"In the silence, in the stillness, I know that you are God"
As a child I was taught to follow the leadership of the Lord. I was taught that there would be times of rejoicing and blessing, mountain top times, if you will. I was taught that there would be times of testing, of trials, of being in a valley. In all times you must still believe and hold strong to your faith for God is always with you.
I still believe this to be true, however lately I've felt disconnected from my faith. Don't get me wrong, I did not say I have lost my faith or have given up on my faith. No, I said I've felt disconnected.
There is a difference.
In the last two years there have been a lot of changes in my family's life. We moved to my husband's hometown, my husband got a new job, we started pastoring a church. All of those things sound positive right?
The new town meant a new school for my kids and they love their school. I know more parents, kids, and teachers at this school than I ever did in their old one. The community is ver close, we have great neighbors, and my kids have great friends. We love living in Bristol. There isn't anything I would change there (other than the drive to my job).
The new job for my husband was great, because it's what he's always wanted to do. However, that job came with a significant pay cut for us. It came with shift work and lots of nights spent away from home. It came with time away from our new church and less quality time with family and friends.
It seems that for every "good" thing we were blessed with, three things went wrong. Lonliness was something I was growing accostumed to feeling. Discouragement was an emotion that swallowed me whole every time I thought about how our lives were shaping up. I remember telling my husband that I felt as if God moved us away from the spiritual move that we had been praying for and stuck us in a dry place away from him and any support. Though I pray and ask for answers and guidance, I hear silence. I wonder if God is listening to me? Is it something that I've done? Is there something I need to change in myself for things to progress and for us to move out of the doldrums we've been stuck in for so long? Is it so bad to want to be in the middle of what God is doing? If so, then why is my family alone and struggling with every aspect of our lives?
"In the chaos, in confusion I know you're soverign still"
"In the moment of my weakness you give me grace to do your will"
I don't have any answers from God yet, and though I don't understand why he is silent, I know he hasn't abandoned me. I am not sure why my family is going through these things, or why is seems that we have been secluded and our cries for help ignored. I do however, have to believe that there is a reason. I don't understand God's ways, and I never will. I may not ever know the reason why we are facing these things, but I do know that one day, whether it be a week or a year from now, things will get better. They have to. He promised he wouldn't leave me nor forsake me. I have to hold to that. Though I may feel disconnected from my faith, I have not lost it. I have not let it go. Through the silence, though my tears fall like rain, and my questions remain unanswered, he is my rock. Though I feel alone, I remember that I am not by myself.
I don't know why I am posting this. Even now I am thinking that there are some people I would rather not know about my personal battles and insecurities where my significance in Christ is concerned. However, maybe there is someone else besides me who feels small and inconsequential right now. If you are that person, please know that though we may feel small, we have been made more than conquerors. In this silence we will learn to trust him more. In the secret of his presence we are restored. There is more to this life and God will once again let his spirit flow through us and around us...but I must hold on.
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